In successful and contented marriages, there are some basic foundational ‘givens’ that govern the union. The following is one perspective on what some of those foundational principles should be as a couple embarks on the lifelong adventure called marriage. When a couple agrees on a set of foundational guidelines, there is better opportunity for success in their relationship and it is primed for exponential growth. The marriage can better endure challenges and the couple will be positioned for greater harmony and deeper devotion.
Our Marriage Contract -
Foundational Principles for a Happy and Successful Marriage
1. We love each other. We tell each other every day that we love each other. We show the sincerity of that love by how we care for each other, seek to meet each other’s needs and show concern for one another. We look for opportunities to lighten our partner’s burdens. We look forward to seeing each other each day and sharing our day’s events. We love each other more today than yesterday and know that tomorrow will be even better. We don’t like ‘good-byes’ and have great anticipation for the subsequent reunion. We love to be together and share time together.
2. We make God a partner in our marriage. We have daily prayers together, on our knees, both as a couple and with our children (if applicable). We have weekly family activities to grow closer, share spiritual learning and invite God into our home. We attend our church/temple/synagogue regularly. We read and study the scriptures each day. There are heavenly blessings awaiting our marriage and our family as we consistently and sincerely involve God in our home.
3. We are committed to a successful and happy marriage. We are completely committed to making our marriage work and realize that we both have to contribute much more than 50% to achieve that goal. We will be an eternal family – no ifs, ands, or buts – and we proceed accordingly. We strive to be involved in those activities that will bring happiness into our home. We choose to be happy and are individually responsible for our own attitude. We are inherently happy individuals and want our marriage to be an extension of that frame of mind. We look for the highlights and pearls in each day that bring smiles to our faces. We try to make each other laugh every day. We point out the quirks in life that are humorous. We focus our thoughts and conversations on positive things. We conscientiously try to minimize negativity, criticism and contention. Because we are together, every day is filled with sunshine and on those days when a cloud or two creeps in, they always have silver linings. There is no waiting for the good times. No ‘only ifs’ or ‘I can’t wait until such and so and then I’ll be happy’ because we’re living the good life today. Happy days are here again – every day!
4. We are completely honest with each other. We will, in all matters, big and small, significant or not, commit to each other our absolute honesty. Because we are dedicated to total honesty, we will have total trust in one other. A natural product of our honesty is that we are faithful and true. We give no reason for concern or doubt, but rather look for ways to assure and provide complete confidence.
5. We are best friends. We treat each other better than we would our best friend. That means that we are quick to forgive; we bite our tongue and are careful about things we say; we conscientiously look for the good qualities and are tolerant of the not-so-perfect ones; we offer and give help without a second thought. We look forward to every moment we can spend together. We are complimentary. We value one another and place value on the input and feedback we receive. We make it a point to look for the positive and talk about it liberally and at the same time we make it a point to not look for or dwell on the negative. There are no greener pastures. We could not be more fortuitous because we have each other.
6. We concentrate on the good. We spend the majority of our time and thoughts focusing on the good things and the times that things went right. We are quick to dwell on the courting, engagement and honeymoon memories and the sweet impressions we savored that there couldn’t be a more perfect partner in all the history of the world; and how blessed we were to find each other and share our love. God had smiled down on us, answered our prayers and through a sequence of events that only He could orchestrate, delivered a miracle and brought us our Knight in Shining Armor and/or Princess. As we so focus, it becomes natural to look past the insignificant flaws and take our marriage to a higher, deeper and more meaningful, loving relationship.
7. We look to build the relationship. Before we speak or act in the relationship, we ask ourselves, “Is this comment or action going to build our marriage or undermine it?” “Is it going to strengthen the relationship or weaken it?” “Is it going to be uplifting or disheartening?” “Is it going to lift and improve how we view each other, or is it going to diminish and tear down the relationship?” “Am I building a bridge to a better relationship, or putting up a wall of division?” If the words or deeds are not going to help us build a stronger and healthier marriage, we disregard them, forget them, and move on.
8. We share. We are content to share our dreams, desires, frustrations, hopes, challenges, fears and wants. We are genuinely interested in hearing and encouraging these special intimate thoughts. We want to help our partner achieve their dreams. We are willing to open our hearts and allow our partner to walk in, take a look around and allow them know our real, inner self. We are selfless. We are not selfish, just the opposite. We are unselfish and do all that we can to place the needs and happiness of our partner as our first priority, even before our own.
9. We are quick to forgive and forget. We know that perfection is still a way off for both of us. We will both make mistakes too numerous to count, but we also know that our love is greater and stronger than any or all of these mistakes. We quickly forgive and even more important, we forget. We remember the counsel that ‘he who is without sin, let him cast the first stone’. Nobody can change anything that has happened in the past, so bringing it up and continuing to exploit it is destructive. Very few people ever change their behavior because of criticism or faultfinding. On the contrary, encouragement, trust, faith and confidence will go much further in changing behavior and building a better marriage. We work through things and don’t allow them to fester to a point of boiling over.
10. We communicate. ‘The void created through the lack of communication is quickly filled with apprehension, rumors and gossip’. We realize that successful relationships are built on frequent, open, honest communication. We have to work on our communication patterns to ensure that we don’t get cavalier in our communications… both verbal and non-verbal. We have to understand how we can best communicate to each other and guard against back slipping. We are respectful, gentle, encouraging and thoughtful in our communications to each other. Equally as important, we maintain the same or even increased levels of respect and admiration for our spouse in communications with others about our relationship.
11. Nobody wins an argument. Because we are married, we have joined into a union and “where we were once two, we are now one.” If we view our marriage as a partnership and we have truly become ‘one’, then if one of us wins and one of us loses in an argument, in reality, half of us has lost. So if one of us loses, we both lose – when we win, we both win. There is never one winner and one loser. If true, we need to work in all of our communications and negotiations to achieve a mutual resolution where we both win. Our marriage will be better and our love will be stronger as we strive to make each other the winner.
12. We are in control of ourselves. We will try not to lose control and raise our voices in anger. We realize that contention will not help us resolve issues, but rather complicate and blur them. We will try to stay on point during sensitive discussions and not pile on with a myriad of unrelated issues. We will exercise restraint and patience and blanket our discussions with the love and respect we have for each other. We realize that our credibility is diminished when we lose control. W also realize that more often than not, we say things that we regret later. If we slip, we are quick to ask for forgiveness and acknowledge our desire to find the common ground.
13. We celebrate our differences. The increased diversity expands our individual perspectives and abilities, and exponentially as well as multi-dimensionally increases our individual boundaries.
By wholeheartedly subscribing to these Foundational Principles we promise to apply them to the best of our abilities in our marriage and acknowledge that commitment and pledge our love to each other by affixing our signatures herein.
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Committed Spouse Date
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Committed Spouse Date
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